Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov, the clown prince of the SPL, has brought every possible emotion to Tynecastle. His infusion of cash certainly had a part in Hearts’ second-place league finish in 2005-06. His need to control all aspects of his team just as certainly led to the loss of manager George Burley, who had, at the time of his leaving Hearts, put them on top of the league. Since then, the team has had a new manager every six months or so, and have spent this season under Stephen Frail as assistant manager, assisting (officially) no one. Everyone knows who is calling the shots, including team selections, and that is none other than Mad Vlad Romanov.

Now, a section of fans is supposedly planning a boycott of the upcoming Gretna match at Tynecastle on February 9th, to protest Romanov’s meddling in affairs that are best left to Frail, or even better, to an actual manager who is yet to be named. It’s an interesting choice of fixture. Either the folks over at JambosKickBack, the website organizing the boycott, are thinking that the Gretna match is the perfect time because Hearts’ failures against Gretna are the most glaring dark spots in the season so far … or that’s a match they just don’t care to watch. If I supported a team that had drawn twice against (by far) the worst team in the league, I’m not sure I’d make a trip to see it a third time either.

Hearts supporters’ chief Derek Watson has made his thoughts known about the boycott, calling it a “knee-jerk reaction”. If fans getting up in arms about Romanov now, after years of this sort of thing at Tynecastle, is a knee-jerk reaction, that’s a knee in need of some serious surgery. Personally, I don’t know if the kind of numbers JambosKickBack can muster will make much difference to the team’s billionaire boss, but I can’t say I blame them for trying. I’m no Hearts fan, but I feel for them, supporting a team that has traded a musical-chairs management rotation for no proper manager at all. Empty that stadium, and maybe, just maybe, Vlad will take some notice.

If he’s even watching the match.

Then, one day, (yesterday in fact), Hearts play a friendly against FC Tavriya of Ukraine. By all accounts (like this one, and this one), the Ukraine team just mauls Hearts. Cleats-up tackles, boots in the face, tackles from behind, all kinds of things. Tavriya gets no calls against them, while Hearts is penalized time and again. As they rush to complain about it, Hearts starts to realize that no one is listening because “Hearts complain about bad calls” isn’t exactly front-page news in Scotland.

The moral of the story, kids, is: Stop complaining and play the game. That way, when there’s something real to complain about, people might actually believe you.

Some lads and lassies would say that a sideways spin on Scottish football is a wee bit of a contradiction in terms – after all, isn’t Scottish football today a sideways spin on the bonnie game? Nevertheless, like a dedicated Loch Ness Monster hunter (one more shameless stereotype and this’ll be your last post – Ed), I am unbowed, unperturbed and ready to prove the existence of the seemingly unthinkable.

Don’t believe me? How’s about this for starters! Hearts head coa–sorry, majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov has decided not to sack someone this week. Yes, you read that correctly. Not only that, but following a 2-0 home defeat to Kilmarnock, Valdas Ivanauskas won himself a two-week holiday, apparently for health reasons. Hmmm, methinks he needs to lay off the haggis and whisky. Er, let me re-phrase that…